A Selection of True Awakening Experiences Part II: Tanja’s Awakening

Hello everyone, I am a little late with my blog post. I am sorry about the little delay. I started a new adventure with a driving service and I am out most of the day. However I did not forget about Barbara’s challenge, A Selection of True Awakening Experiences ~ Part II.

I am very grateful for the opportunity to share my experiences of the Awakening with other people who go through it in one way or another!

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My Awakening story:

Everybody who has experienced any kind of spiritual awakening or wake up-call knows that we go through a lot in life to get where we are at right now in this specific moment! I too have a story how it came to my Awakening and all the experiences I’ve had since it happened in August 2014!

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But let’s go to the beginning of time! When I was a young girl, I always knew back then that something about me was different. I could never put my finger on it, but I just knew something was there the whole time. I called it later my guardian angel. As a young girl I started my life with some heavy problems. My father was since I can remember an alcoholic, my mother was/is very intense and clinging since I am her only child. She also got quickly angry at me for the slightest problems or mistakes!

In Kindergarten I started out with making one arch enemy of a boy who was placed with me in the same class! He started bullying me and saying mean things that hurt me very deeply. As I always felt I should never be mean towards other people, I tried to help others, gave them my kindergarten equipment and yet there was always this one boy who hurt me and not only emotionally. Another boy who was his (Norman’s) friend started bullying me as well and it went so far that he pushed me against a drawing stand. That was the first time I received a mark on my forehead, one that I should carry my whole life! I was bleeding from the top right corner of my eyebrow and it was the first time my guardian angel protected me from more to happen!

It was also throughout Kindergarten time that I somehow just suddenly found out that certain parts of my body created enormous amounts of pleasure. And it was just Kindergarten! How can a tiny little girl possibly feel these adulthood pleasures? Was that even possible? Apparently it was. It became almost and obsession to create that feeling and someday my mother caught me, of course she knew what that was that I was doing, and so she got mad at me for something I should not play with yet. I have no memory whatsoever how I found out about it with such a young age!

My life continued throughout all schools like this, and mysteriously the same boy who was hurting me so much was always, without a mistake, placed in the same classes and schools. As if the universe made sure that I experience these things that I cried about for evening after evening. As a child I was terribly afraid of death and at the same time wished for it, but it never happened. No accident I ever had created problems. I was always mysteriously protected! Of course I kept on getting scars that stayed with me forever. Norman was the second reason for the second mark left on my forehead. He pushed me against a shelf and I hit my head on the left temple! Again it could have ended worse!

I was at fault for the third mark on my forehead which is on the exact center, but higher than the Third eye!

However throughout my childhood I had experiences of spiritual nature. I would have extremely realistic dreams of being able to fly, doing Telekinesis etc. All these things that many of us know to be spiritual abilities! All of these dreams where extremely real and I always felt the next morning as if I really could fly!
One evening, I remember waking up in a shock as I felt that my whole body fell on the mattress of my bed. In fact I felt that my body hit the bed! As if I fell from the sky and inside my bed! That jerked me up for good!

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There is a period of my life which I do not remember anything about! The only thing I remember is, that I was suddenly afraid of something in my closet! My mother once told me that I came downstairs crying for my father, to come upstairs and check my closet. I asked my mother what I was afraid of and she said “You said you saw a monster!” How come I can never remember what I actually was afraid of? It’s like erased from my mind!

Then there came the first time of spiritual darkness and I believe it to be my first dark night of the soul! I saw on TV a picture of a deformed two headed calf and after that nothing was the same anymore! Night for night after lying in bed and closing my eyes, I felt something tormenting my chest, I felt as if I could not breath anymore and I developed a weird swallowing problem, sometimes I could not swallow at all! Which created more panic! This continued daily, every night I was afraid of going to bed as it would happen without mistake! In these moments I needed to walk through the room and open the windows as I was sure I could not breath! Till today I am not really sure what this was that I experienced!

Then someday it just stopped! It never happened again! Back and forth I was interested in studying everything about Telekinesis and for the first time I got interested in the Out of Body phenomenon. I had finally internet and was about 15 years old. I tried to do what I read online but I never was successful. What I also should mention is that I had tons of Déjà Vu experiences in my childhood! There were many moments when I felt I could just finish a sentence someone was about to say, inside my head! Just my mouth was not fast enough!

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Then there was this magical moment in my life when I lost the golden earring from my mother which she gave me as a present from her great grandmother. It happened while riding my bicycle through a forest. My ear got stuck on a branch and the earring got pulled out. there  was just no way of finding it between literally millions of yellow, orange and red leafs! So my two friends and I were looking all over the place and gave up. We rode back home and as expected my mother got mad at me and screamed I NEED TO GET THAT EARRING BACK! No way, so we rode back to that forest and it was just coincidence that we found the same spot again. I was near breakdown and my only hope was a white plastic bag which was lying on the floor. I took it, looked at it and said with intend “I can do whatever I want!” And I threw it into the air. All three of us were looking into the air and followed the white bag! As it landed on the ground I carefully approached it and picked it up. It was then that my believe in god or angels was strengthened. The earring, which was impossible to find was lying directly underneath one of the 4 edges of this plastic bag! WOW! Manifestation at it’s best!

As the years kept on going I was embarrassed to like myself, as I did not develop as fast as other girls did! When they started showing breast I still was flat like a wooden board. Which made it impossible for me to stand in front of other girls underneath the showers and I usually skipped or went under when they were already gone. On top of that I had Norman and other boys who were bullying me for the way I looked. Thin, tall, no breast, very thin face. but a head full of extreme thick locks! While all other girls had straight hair!

This all combines the march towards the Awakening. When I was 27 years old I met my now husband online. He happened to be a movie composer and I was watching coincidentally one of his movies and I fell in love with his music. At that time I took piano lessons in Germany and I needed to have the music to study it. So I wrote him an e-mail and somehow against all odds we connected! And this created months later our marriage! And my dream of living in the USA got fulfilled as well!

However this could be a happy ending to all the torment right? well guess what, it wasn’t that was only the beginning… Very quickly I realized that my husband has a shadow aspect to him which brings in tremendous arguments, fights and problems out of thin air. He gets mad at me for no apparent reason and then starts fights which always end in his advantage, as he is an amazing communicator and a lot older than me! He definitely knows how to attack with single words! Life here has been a blessing in disguise!

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In the meantime my father snapped and from one day to the next he suddenly started hearing voices and talked to beings my mother could not see. They told him my mother was hiding mics in the house! My mother told me that he was once standing outside at the house door talking to a person that only he could see! My mother got afraid and called the police, who took him to the psychiatrists… Very big mistake… He got drugged and in the meantime my mother divorced from him… After 6 weeks he got released and needed to move into his own apartment. I could kick my ass for the last sentence I said to my father when he called me from Germany one day… He was obviously drunk and throughout his talking he stopped all the time and it became quiet! I asked him what he is doing. and his answer was that he gt telepathically messages from my mother, she still is thinking about him… I had enough of this and not knowing anything, I told him “Are you hearing voices again?” and I hang up…
A couple of weeks later I sent him a letter to Germany asking how he is feeling etc. But never received answer… No idea if he still read the letter! Then in July 2012 I got the message from my mother that my father was found dead lying in his bathroom… I was shocked but at the same moment could not cry, it was like my tears were blocked to come out! It was just too unreal to me that my father with just 51 was dead!

It took all this time till beginning of August 2014, when I finally realized what happened and that I will never see him again nor say anything else to him… I broke a part and one evening I started crying, crying about everything. Letting everything out which was bombarding me emotionally my whole life. It was a release to say the least!  I cried until no more tear could flow without painful eyes… In this emotional release I asked god begging what happened to my father! Give me a sign!

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And guess what the prayer was heard and 2 weeks later I experienced the first Ascension related symptoms! Sudden hot sweat, but at the same time freezing from the outside. Then 2 nights in a row  I experienced sudden full body vibrations! They started at the forehead and continued over the whole body. I kept quiet and did not suspect anything wrong! I then started getting red rashes around my spine, on the height of the lower chakras. Sudden itch at the lower spine! and then one afternoon, the sun was shining through the window of our living room and I suddenly felt the urge to just let go, lying down on the floor, head towards the balcony, and closing my eyes, just breathing.

It was then that I suddenly got hit with an intense bright light flash in the center of my head, which I perceived as behind closed eyes! At the same time I felt intense arousing feelings in my root chakra and it was so intense that it was really close! And then one day later as I was sitting working at computer I suddenly felt a strong density and tension pulsing in my tailbone and the first rising of the Kundalini happened! I felt dense energy going upwards on my back, pushing and pressing against my ribs and shoulder blades!

From that day on everything changed! I started seeing visions of mandalas, purple light inside my head, buzzing and humming vibrations all over my body. I saw crystal clear faces of persons and ET beings projected in front of my third eye! And also the famous high pitched frequency sound started appearing for me and since then becomes clearer and clearer every single time I go through major energy shifts!

The Kundalini energy rose 4-5 times and every single time the constant inner buzzing stays longer on without turning off. I suppose once my body is prepared enough to house this much light it won’t ever turn off again!

This is my current status into the Awakening process and I am looking forward to many more experiences and potentials which always come up after a major energy influx!

Huge Realization and an acknowledgement to Dayna

Yesterday I had quite a day. It not only brought a huge realization but also a new friend who opened my eyes to a broader truth of my very being. Days in and days out I wasn’t sure, I was looking and looking but what I was being told and what I started to believe in were two different things. Eventually it became so obscure that tons of wrong information entered me and left me standing with confusion (such as the stupid term called Chakra Removal). I have held strong contact to my dearest friends and one of them is Sibernetic Contriver, who is a long time friend on my Facebook profile. We had interesting subjects to talk about and most definitely have the same experiences, almost to a 100% fit of sensations, phenomena etc.

it was through her that I got to know Richard Cho, a wonderful human being with such a bright light. It’s unbelievable how much light and truth this being has to share. It was through him that I finally understood that there is so much fear mongering on the net and also manipulators who try to use terms to create something that could be seen as an outside force to many. Long time humanity was in the believe that Kundalini is an outside force that once awakened becomes the vehicle to higher consciousness… The truth of the matter however is, that the Kundalini is NOT an outside force. It is our spirit! It is the spirit within who leads and guides us. She is not an outside force that pushes her own agenda on you or me. Kundalini is an Awakening of the spirit within. As Richard taught me yesterday it is and has always been there! You just were not conscious enough to feel it as you do now.

The story of the universe. Spirit suddenly woke up and was alone, so spirit created souls in it’s image, souls who could take on physical forms of all sorts and through these forms it was able to grow. As we are ascending with an awakening spirit within, so was spirit once awakening and evolving. You see it everyday. millions of galaxies and different universes are being created. It’s all done by the spirit, our higher self! Kundalini is THE spirit. It is our spirit, it is our higher self! Over millennia people taught that Kundalini needs to be awakened in order to ascend and gain higher consciousness, but I know now that this is not true. Spirit is always there, it is our job to do the work to be able to connect to the spirit again and then we are able to feel it in ourselves as vibrations rising. Our Soul is electromagnetic in nature and this is what our body feels, when soul and spirit begin again to merge. though we still have an ego which of course helps to form a duality between spirit and our soul. and so we look for outside forces, such as gurus, teachers to teach us how to obey or how to do this or that. All we ever had to do was look inside and connect with the spirit within. That is all there really is. Our minds are conditioned to believe what we read. And so everything that you ever read about the Kundalini will be experienced at one or another point in your life. That’s the placebo effect. You read something and take on the energy of another human being and relive exactly what they do. It happened many, many times to me and I thought I was progressing, but in fact I was just taking on symptoms, sensations of other peoples experiences. ergo = when someone hears something many times, he tends to believe in it and create out of that their own reality. That’s why it is so important to not follow others in their experiences, but rather search for the own souls experience. Otherwise you cannot ever be sure if that is you progressing, or just ego recreating effects of other peoples energy imprints…

So my huge realization came to the right time. When Richard told me how to connect to the spirit within through asking questions and setting intentions throughout meditation I can connect more and more to it, until spirit itself decides to enter the body vehicle and be as your guide every single day.

I got an instruction to do some Chakra clearing, because it seemed that energy was many times stuck in certain areas and could not be released freely. Especially tactile around the heart, if the heart does not release negative energy or cannot because of blocks etc. it feels like a suffocating feeling inside the chest. Energy just pools there without being released…

While I was doing the Chakra Clearing: https://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=1644857289103467&id=100007376355072
I had one fleeting moment while jumping from the throat to the heart chakra when a sudden thought came to me. The thought was so out of context that I right there acknowledged it as being from spirit itself. My inner guide! I suddenly thought about the thing that I wrote to you Dayna a long time ago. About your guide and the Kundalini. I told you that you should listen to your Kundalini and not to outside guides. You answered me with a very simple sentence, “My Kundalini is part of my guidance”, you further saidit’s really not outside of myself.” I have to acknowledge this now and tell you, you were absolutely right with this! The Kundalini is your spirit guide, your higher self.  You did all the work and have such a good connection to spirit. Your soul is pretty advanced! I am still doing the work and try to learn as much as possible. At least NOW i have an idea how to meditate to get in contact with this spirit.

Next Dark Night of the Soul just about to happen…

Yes what can I say… this is probably the most devastating post I’ve ever written since a long time… Those who followed my recent blog posts and especially the one from earlier today probably know what I am running through right now, with so much “shit” going on around me all the time…

But I have a very bad feeling that this was just a set up for yet another Dark Night of the Soul, which would be the third one for me in this life. Well Since I am here in L.A. But I had probably many DNotS before L.A. as well… Maybe some description of my life in short form

As a young child in Kindergarten I got to know a few kids who were just terrible and always picking on me… It nearly got to an obsession to always choose me for bad things. There was this one guy who constantly tried to hurt me… I mean we were tiny children!!! Once he pushed me down from a climber in Kindergarten that nearly broke my left thumb. It hurt days ongoing but thanks god was not broken… Then another boy pushed me against a drawing stand and I hit my head above the right eyebrow and it needed to be glued, because it was bleeding…

But the guy from the climber followed me somehow through mysterious set ups to all different classes and schools and so I had to live with him in my childhood since the end of school. In second grade school he pushed me through the classroom and I hit my forehead on a shelf, left side of my head around the temple… again it was bleeding and needed to be glued… A few days later we had sport in school and I was standing through again mysterious reasons in the way of someone shooting a football with full power. the ball hit the side of my head where it got glued before. The power of the shot was so strong that my head flew with the ball and all I remember was that the hit kicked me to the floor…

Another time I was standing mysteriously in the way of someone throwing a stick across the schoolyard and it hit me right in the left eye…

mysteriously enough nothing ever harmed me. Not even the stick in eye. It hurt for sure and was red, but nothing broke or got seriously damaged…

But my childhood had much more misery than that… My father was an alcoholic and my mother got angry pretty fast and always locked me up in my room if I did not “obey” I was different and she had no clue how to handle me, so she threatened one day to bring me to a place for disobeying children to learn some manors.

There were times in my childhood, in my frickin childhood where I was crying to god to just kill me already, why so much suffering? For what reason? Why not just end it with one accident… But nothing ever happened. The wish got not granted… I fell off a 2 feet wall and hit my forehead on the ground. Not my fault I just slipped off the wall… I got kicked seriously strong in the stomach by another weird guy… I got threatened in a forest by a guy who had a knife and yet somehow I survived ALL of that!

And NOW it is my husband… I though with the move to L.A. away from that curse of childhood country called Germany, everything would change to the better. And again I am seriously wrong with that. I give my heart and my soul for a man who can be so unpredictable. Once he is totally sweet and tells me that I am the best thing that ever happened to him. And then something triggers him like the sudden cancer diagnosis of his friend and he becomes this darker version of himself and this version seems to hate me and tries to get rid of me… With all might. I went through 2 dark nights that he is responsible for. and in both cases as well as this time, he starts a weird question like “I am really lonely in our relationship” or “you have no interest in my past etc. whatsoever”.

This time it started because I tried to help him and his friend and I told him about the possible approach with alkaline water and diet… But he does not accept anything verbal that does NOT come from professionals… If it is medical advice, help in spirituality he seems to have no respect for my knowledge through experience… whatsoever… Instead he confronted me today in a restaurant and asked me “are you worried about me?!” I said “yes of course I am worried about you” and he asked “and what do you do instead of only being worried.” I told him that I am there in emotion and support him where I can, as I have a strong connection to his emotions. Then he started to attack me “what emotional connection, you only talk about your connection, your experience etc. I tell you I am lonely and have nobody left to speak to.” At that point I fought back I had enough of this shit… and I threw at him “well maybe you start stopping to alienate your friends that you still have left and stop judging them all the time behind their backs” and he got angry and said “well you seem to love to give advice’s, in spirituality, in friendships, in medical stuff…”

I told him then to stop, that this is NOT him, whenever this person is coming through I do not feel a deep connection to him it’s so weird… then on the way home he stayed silent and asked me after a few miles of driving “what would you do, when the old (name) would not come back?” But I did not answer, because it’s really a silly question that nobody should ask… I left my mouth closed…

And now I am sitting here, writing this long post to release my sadness and disappointment. It almost seems like life wants to see me suffering, it wants to see me on the floor and it wants to keep me in a state of self denial… I am close to the point to ask again, WHY does nobody release the pain for me, just end it already… I know this is harsh and that better times may come again, but currently I am just fed up with everything and I don’t see a sense. If there is any life form out there, please pick me up and get me away from this place called “earth”… This is ridicules and way too much for one person to handle…

And the most terrifying thing is I cannot even cry to release the pain. It’s like someone holds its fingers in my eyes so tears come up but then sucks them in again and nothing comes out… 😦 It just hurts a lot not being able to release a tear…