A Selection of True Awakening Experiences Part II: Tanja’s Awakening

Hello everyone, I am a little late with my blog post. I am sorry about the little delay. I started a new adventure with a driving service and I am out most of the day. However I did not forget about Barbara’s challenge, A Selection of True Awakening Experiences ~ Part II.

I am very grateful for the opportunity to share my experiences of the Awakening with other people who go through it in one way or another!


My Awakening story:

Everybody who has experienced any kind of spiritual awakening or wake up-call knows that we go through a lot in life to get where we are at right now in this specific moment! I too have a story how it came to my Awakening and all the experiences I’ve had since it happened in August 2014!

Infinity time spiral 15267876
But let’s go to the beginning of time! When I was a young girl, I always knew back then that something about me was different. I could never put my finger on it, but I just knew something was there the whole time. I called it later my guardian angel. As a young girl I started my life with some heavy problems. My father was since I can remember an alcoholic, my mother was/is very intense and clinging since I am her only child. She also got quickly angry at me for the slightest problems or mistakes!

In Kindergarten I started out with making one arch enemy of a boy who was placed with me in the same class! He started bullying me and saying mean things that hurt me very deeply. As I always felt I should never be mean towards other people, I tried to help others, gave them my kindergarten equipment and yet there was always this one boy who hurt me and not only emotionally. Another boy who was his (Norman’s) friend started bullying me as well and it went so far that he pushed me against a drawing stand. That was the first time I received a mark on my forehead, one that I should carry my whole life! I was bleeding from the top right corner of my eyebrow and it was the first time my guardian angel protected me from more to happen!

It was also throughout Kindergarten time that I somehow just suddenly found out that certain parts of my body created enormous amounts of pleasure. And it was just Kindergarten! How can a tiny little girl possibly feel these adulthood pleasures? Was that even possible? Apparently it was. It became almost and obsession to create that feeling and someday my mother caught me, of course she knew what that was that I was doing, and so she got mad at me for something I should not play with yet. I have no memory whatsoever how I found out about it with such a young age!

My life continued throughout all schools like this, and mysteriously the same boy who was hurting me so much was always, without a mistake, placed in the same classes and schools. As if the universe made sure that I experience these things that I cried about for evening after evening. As a child I was terribly afraid of death and at the same time wished for it, but it never happened. No accident I ever had created problems. I was always mysteriously protected! Of course I kept on getting scars that stayed with me forever. Norman was the second reason for the second mark left on my forehead. He pushed me against a shelf and I hit my head on the left temple! Again it could have ended worse!

I was at fault for the third mark on my forehead which is on the exact center, but higher than the Third eye!

However throughout my childhood I had experiences of spiritual nature. I would have extremely realistic dreams of being able to fly, doing Telekinesis etc. All these things that many of us know to be spiritual abilities! All of these dreams where extremely real and I always felt the next morning as if I really could fly!
One evening, I remember waking up in a shock as I felt that my whole body fell on the mattress of my bed. In fact I felt that my body hit the bed! As if I fell from the sky and inside my bed! That jerked me up for good!


There is a period of my life which I do not remember anything about! The only thing I remember is, that I was suddenly afraid of something in my closet! My mother once told me that I came downstairs crying for my father, to come upstairs and check my closet. I asked my mother what I was afraid of and she said “You said you saw a monster!” How come I can never remember what I actually was afraid of? It’s like erased from my mind!

Then there came the first time of spiritual darkness and I believe it to be my first dark night of the soul! I saw on TV a picture of a deformed two headed calf and after that nothing was the same anymore! Night for night after lying in bed and closing my eyes, I felt something tormenting my chest, I felt as if I could not breath anymore and I developed a weird swallowing problem, sometimes I could not swallow at all! Which created more panic! This continued daily, every night I was afraid of going to bed as it would happen without mistake! In these moments I needed to walk through the room and open the windows as I was sure I could not breath! Till today I am not really sure what this was that I experienced!

Then someday it just stopped! It never happened again! Back and forth I was interested in studying everything about Telekinesis and for the first time I got interested in the Out of Body phenomenon. I had finally internet and was about 15 years old. I tried to do what I read online but I never was successful. What I also should mention is that I had tons of Déjà Vu experiences in my childhood! There were many moments when I felt I could just finish a sentence someone was about to say, inside my head! Just my mouth was not fast enough!


Then there was this magical moment in my life when I lost the golden earring from my mother which she gave me as a present from her great grandmother. It happened while riding my bicycle through a forest. My ear got stuck on a branch and the earring got pulled out. there  was just no way of finding it between literally millions of yellow, orange and red leafs! So my two friends and I were looking all over the place and gave up. We rode back home and as expected my mother got mad at me and screamed I NEED TO GET THAT EARRING BACK! No way, so we rode back to that forest and it was just coincidence that we found the same spot again. I was near breakdown and my only hope was a white plastic bag which was lying on the floor. I took it, looked at it and said with intend “I can do whatever I want!” And I threw it into the air. All three of us were looking into the air and followed the white bag! As it landed on the ground I carefully approached it and picked it up. It was then that my believe in god or angels was strengthened. The earring, which was impossible to find was lying directly underneath one of the 4 edges of this plastic bag! WOW! Manifestation at it’s best!

As the years kept on going I was embarrassed to like myself, as I did not develop as fast as other girls did! When they started showing breast I still was flat like a wooden board. Which made it impossible for me to stand in front of other girls underneath the showers and I usually skipped or went under when they were already gone. On top of that I had Norman and other boys who were bullying me for the way I looked. Thin, tall, no breast, very thin face. but a head full of extreme thick locks! While all other girls had straight hair!

This all combines the march towards the Awakening. When I was 27 years old I met my now husband online. He happened to be a movie composer and I was watching coincidentally one of his movies and I fell in love with his music. At that time I took piano lessons in Germany and I needed to have the music to study it. So I wrote him an e-mail and somehow against all odds we connected! And this created months later our marriage! And my dream of living in the USA got fulfilled as well!

However this could be a happy ending to all the torment right? well guess what, it wasn’t that was only the beginning… Very quickly I realized that my husband has a shadow aspect to him which brings in tremendous arguments, fights and problems out of thin air. He gets mad at me for no apparent reason and then starts fights which always end in his advantage, as he is an amazing communicator and a lot older than me! He definitely knows how to attack with single words! Life here has been a blessing in disguise!

one man hearing voices

In the meantime my father snapped and from one day to the next he suddenly started hearing voices and talked to beings my mother could not see. They told him my mother was hiding mics in the house! My mother told me that he was once standing outside at the house door talking to a person that only he could see! My mother got afraid and called the police, who took him to the psychiatrists… Very big mistake… He got drugged and in the meantime my mother divorced from him… After 6 weeks he got released and needed to move into his own apartment. I could kick my ass for the last sentence I said to my father when he called me from Germany one day… He was obviously drunk and throughout his talking he stopped all the time and it became quiet! I asked him what he is doing. and his answer was that he gt telepathically messages from my mother, she still is thinking about him… I had enough of this and not knowing anything, I told him “Are you hearing voices again?” and I hang up…
A couple of weeks later I sent him a letter to Germany asking how he is feeling etc. But never received answer… No idea if he still read the letter! Then in July 2012 I got the message from my mother that my father was found dead lying in his bathroom… I was shocked but at the same moment could not cry, it was like my tears were blocked to come out! It was just too unreal to me that my father with just 51 was dead!

It took all this time till beginning of August 2014, when I finally realized what happened and that I will never see him again nor say anything else to him… I broke a part and one evening I started crying, crying about everything. Letting everything out which was bombarding me emotionally my whole life. It was a release to say the least!  I cried until no more tear could flow without painful eyes… In this emotional release I asked god begging what happened to my father! Give me a sign!


And guess what the prayer was heard and 2 weeks later I experienced the first Ascension related symptoms! Sudden hot sweat, but at the same time freezing from the outside. Then 2 nights in a row  I experienced sudden full body vibrations! They started at the forehead and continued over the whole body. I kept quiet and did not suspect anything wrong! I then started getting red rashes around my spine, on the height of the lower chakras. Sudden itch at the lower spine! and then one afternoon, the sun was shining through the window of our living room and I suddenly felt the urge to just let go, lying down on the floor, head towards the balcony, and closing my eyes, just breathing.

It was then that I suddenly got hit with an intense bright light flash in the center of my head, which I perceived as behind closed eyes! At the same time I felt intense arousing feelings in my root chakra and it was so intense that it was really close! And then one day later as I was sitting working at computer I suddenly felt a strong density and tension pulsing in my tailbone and the first rising of the Kundalini happened! I felt dense energy going upwards on my back, pushing and pressing against my ribs and shoulder blades!

From that day on everything changed! I started seeing visions of mandalas, purple light inside my head, buzzing and humming vibrations all over my body. I saw crystal clear faces of persons and ET beings projected in front of my third eye! And also the famous high pitched frequency sound started appearing for me and since then becomes clearer and clearer every single time I go through major energy shifts!

The Kundalini energy rose 4-5 times and every single time the constant inner buzzing stays longer on without turning off. I suppose once my body is prepared enough to house this much light it won’t ever turn off again!

This is my current status into the Awakening process and I am looking forward to many more experiences and potentials which always come up after a major energy influx!


Dreams: Surgery, Implant & Swimming pool

Last night I had some disturbing dreams. For one reason or another I would sort them into the nightmare category but I was oddly enough I was very distanced from these dreams. Such as acknowledging them but not being emotionally influenced by them. I had 2 dreams they always seem to appear in a set of two that I can remember very vividly!


In the first dream I find myself in the hands of yet another doctor. No idea what these surgery dreams mean, but the fact that they appear more and more tells me that there IS something in my subconscious mind that I cannot work through other than in my dreams! Very interesting that these are the dreams that I remember completely with all details!

I felt that the doctor was not there to protect me or to free me from something; I felt he wanted to do something to me. I remember very vividly that he tried to sting me with a long metallic needle. I see the needle up close on my arm and as I fight to get rid of his grab I see how the needle is pulled out and on my skin was a tiny red spot left like after doctors suck your blood!

(Interesting enough these tiny red dots appeared on my skin almost daily, they are very tiny really like needle marks and they are interestingly enough at the spots where I felt the most energy pulling and energetic movements. When I scratch these tiny little spots they go away. But after a second they appear again as if bleeding through. My right arm, see below, has 3 of these weird dots in a triangular shape.)


After the needle was pulled I suddenly saw something weird moving underneath my skin up the arm and towards the head. In that moment I suddenly was confronted with a x-ray screen of some sort. I looked at it and there was this little bug like creature sitting right in the cerebrum. Oddly enough I was not affected by it emotionally; otherwise I would have woken up out of panic. The bug did something and as I was forced to look at it I saw how it was removing its own head many times in a row and I actually made a comment on that in my dream, asking what is it doing it seems like it grows each time a new head. This insect almost looked like a cockroach… eww… But then something strange happened in the end while the creature grew bigger each time it removed its head suddenly the cocoon or whatever it was broke open and a full grown shepherd dog jumped out of that place. Completely out of context of everything so weird…


In the 2nd dream I saw something very disturbing and I have no idea how that is connected to the surgery dream, as it came right afterwards. I see two men one left and one on the right side of my husband. They all stand in front of a huge swimming pool that was above the ground. Suddenly they lift my husband up and throw him up and into the swimming pool. Jut that it did not work properly and instead of being thrown inside the pool my husband hit his back and fell on the ground. It appears that I cannot move because I am somehow forced to watch this whole scene… Suddenly they lift him up again and start another attempt of throwing him inside the pool. But this time I see how my husband almost went inside the pool but then he landed with his neck on the edge of the pool and hit the floor again, at this point panic overcame me and I actually thought they killed him as it looked like he broke his neck! I ran to my husband and hugged him. Screaming his name to see if he responds. And he did after a while. I remember being angry at these two other men who I cannot remember anymore. I have no idea what they were wearing, and even how they looked like.

My conclusion about the 2nd dream. Interestingly enough my husband is suffering from some back and neck pain since some time now. As it once happened with me somebody asked him how the neck pain started and my husband’s answer was “I just woke up in the morning”. The exact same reason it happened for me a couple of weeks ago! I was sleeping like I always do and as I woke up I suddenly have a stiff back and it hurts to move to the right side. The next day it moved into the neck and I had for 2 days the same problem as my husband as now for almost 3 weeks. He once described it to me “I don’t know what it is, someone is missing something here… I know every doctor said there is nothing wrong in my neck, but I feel this weird heaviness and pressure in my neck that goes up my head and then I feel this dizziness going on…

I think the dream could be an answer to what may have happened. However it was a weird reason to have neck and back pain from two men throwing you and hitting your back on a swimming pool edge!


Before I went to sleep last night I was meditating. I am still hoping to get more of these memory light flashes that show me things that I do not remember. One of these light flashes showed me a word in letters I did not know, it looked very foreign to me and I remember that there was a weird looking E in this word. Funny yesterday I saw an interview of an abductee and he explained every time “THEY” took him he found himself in a white room with softly lit yellow light and there was a screen in front of them. He learned a language that THEY use and he was supposed to learn it and find the human alphabet in order to communicate. And when I saw this board with the ET language my jaw dropped, because a few of these symbols looked exactly like what I remember from one of my vision flashes!

In my meditation I suddenly felt a weird feeling inside my head, as if my head was actually falling in a void. I always somehow interrupt this feeling, because as soon I get conscious of it, it stops right away. However I fell somehow asleep afterwards and do not remember anything until I got these weird dreams.

New nightly experience & new connections


Last night I slept alone, first of all my abdomen was in pain… (got my period yesterday) and second I did not want to toss around if I could not fall asleep because of it and wake my husband up. Before I went to bed however I went on to the balcony and as if I was lead to it I looked up the sky and watched the stars, as I moved my gaze around I suddenly saw one of the stars shooting out of sight! It was so fast, I focused my eyes on the spot where I saw the shooting “star” and wondered, because the same shooting star I saw a couple of days ago already! 2 in a week is a little much. I never saw one in my entire life and suddenly 2 in a row? I stayed a little longer and then saw another star that suddenly started moving very slowly to the right side. it had the exact same size as all the other stars but instead of standing still it was moving very slowly. (probably faster, but it was too far away). I was in awe of this sight as this was also something I never saw before. I looked around and as I wanted to look back at the moving star it was suddenly out of sight, I could not see it anymore…

I went inside afterwards and decided to go to bed. It was around 10:30 PM but I was really tired and wanted to get over the first day of my period, which is the most painful… I lay on my back in our guest room right beside the windows. I decided to meditate a little bit and just see if anything would come up memory wise, without giving it too much thought. After some time had passed I suddenly felt a weird heaviness on my head, it almost felt like the head was about to lift off very weird sensation. And in that moment I suddenly for the first time ever heard a very clear clicking on my right ear. I usually hear it from the left ear. But this time it was very clear on the right one and loud as well! The ear that was pointing towards the window. At some point I must have fallen asleep.

I do not remember any dreams however. As if the whole night was just blank…


I made a few more connections. In all the articles and interviews of other abductees there is one common thing happening. All of them felt before the event some kind of synchronicity of sudden numbers repeat to show up. As well as other phenomena such as cats and dogs acting weird before the actual abduction. They can feel and seem them in their etheric form and are acting weird and aggressive. Also abductees experienced a weird phenomena that after an abduction, mostly one day later their house was buzzed by very low flying unmarked black helicopters of military style. Or other black helicopters that would circle the house like crazy.

  1. First clue, when I was a child one of our dogs was sometimes not always weird towards me. But also to my father (I believe this is connected, who knows WHY my father drank so much alcohol, he never said anything) The dog would look at me or above me or beside me? And growl at me like a crazy dog. I never understood why this dog supposedly hated me so much, while other times he came and wanted to be pet by me…
  2. I see tons of 11:11, 2:22, 4:44 and 5:55 lately but also before I got glimpses of what might is happening to me.
  3. I never thought anything about it, but our house WAS recently buzzed a lot by low flying black helicopters. I saw two of them flying very slowly over our house and I am certain I saw military personnel sitting in the open doors. But also other kind of helicopters seemed to circle around a LOT for a few days in a row! First when I read about abductees experiences I suddenly thought wait a second this happened here as well…

After effects of abduction were reported by most all experiencers. So it could feel as if they were drugged during the night, getting up without being rested, as if they were not even asleep in the night but full awake. Sleeping longer than usual because of it, or waking up and falling right back asleep until the drugged feeling stopped. Headaches afterwards, strong energies inside body and especially strong electrical interference after abductions! Ear tones before or afterwards and heightened phenomena right after abduction. Many people described that there was a pattern and after writing a log and journals they could find out when the abductions were taking place like 1-3 of a month and 20-23 of a month. Can change but many times it’s on time. Nose bleeds after abductions in the morning or during the day. And weird marks on the body such as bruises, scratches, red marks like from a needle that one cannot explain.

  1. My husband remarked something like this since some time now. His quote “I don’t know whats going on with me, I feel almost drugged. I am dragging during the day. I sleep long and don’t feel rested…”
  2. I had strong headaches and weird sores on my head after waking up and also my husband seems to experience head pressure, heaviness on his head. (abductees experience a weird veil in their surroundings that almost feels pressuring)
  3. Sometimes my husband loses his hearing on one ear or complains about a weird buzzing in his ears and says it’s tinnitus (perfect programming attempt, make the person believe it’s nothing out of the ordinary) I have ear tones as well, clicking, crunching, beeps and ringing (just as I wrote this my right ear started ringing…)
  4. Nose bleeds are very common for me… When I wake up in some morning I blow my nose it’s like dried up blood clots come out, sometimes during the day one nose hole suddenly starts bleeding.
  5. I know that usually after my period ends I have the strongest phenomenon happening, sometimes also before it happens. So for me the pattern goes around the period. Seems whatever is happening it happens strongest after the cycle ends!
  6. Body marks and weird phenomena before or after: my husband told me from two experiences that he had in his youth. One was that he was sitting at a lake and as the sun was setting the water became almost black, but then out of a sudden the whole environments were warped. his vision became weird as he said and it almost seemed as if everything began shifting like going further away. He was scared about it. It happened another time inside a hotel room in Denmark, he went through the hall and suddenly it seemed as if the hall became longer and longer. The second experience was that he told me once about his encounter as a kid in his bedroom. he saw something, light beings or something. He never explained completely to me what he saw, because he feels I am not ready to know about it… He says he will tell me once I am ready. (I won’t say anymore here) On top of that my husband has  weird triangle mark on his back. When I asked him about it he came up with a weird story about it. He said he was sitting in an opera or so and suddenly the bench crashed with him sitting on it, he fell on his back and hit that spot. It was bleeding and after that it was a triangle. For me it sounds more like a screening memory after abduction! Of course programming happens so we believe what we were told and what we see as our memories. A perfect triangle mark from an accident? hmmmm

But knowing all this I have a strong feeling that my experience of Awakening has a lot to do with being with my husband and his encounters. I know he saw something but he completely disregards it as something what it really is not. He was made believe that his encounter was some kind of an implant and it got triggered by something. So he does not even see the connection anymore between everything he experiences. I mean literally he almost seems hypochondriac with all his weird body stuff that is going on currently. And that must have a reason that he himself seems not to see.

Something IS happening and I wish I could remember something that completely shows me what it was!

Connecting with spirit!

It has been a long time full of ideas, explanations and confusions since August 2014. The first impulse of a human being is to first search for answers outside of themselves. Be it book, journals of other persons with similar experiences, or different religions which all carry the exact same meaning but with different descriptions. It’s not surprising that so I was lead to the first thing that made complete sense, which is the Kundalini Awakening, hence that’s why I called my blog Kundalini Awakening Process. But over the course of more than a year into this “process” I finally met someone who could open my eyes, funny enough through someone who now blocked me on Facebook. I guess it had a reason all of this!

He opened my eyes to all I was experiencing and made me understand that nothing really is outside of yourself. What many people including myself describe as Kundalini Life force energy etc. is all one and the same force and that is the Spirit. People use different words for it and most obviously they seek spirit from outside of themselves. do all kind of strange things like Ouja boards etc. But the real truth and our real connection is within!

There is no external force that does with our body as it wishes, the body may react to it in strange ways, but it is our Ego who does not understand what is going on and trying to firmly keep the drivers seat! What I realized is far more important than anything I ever could find outside of myself and that is the only true thing there is, is that Kundalini, Life Force energy etc. are all one and the same thing “Our Spirit within”. What many call a Kundalini Awakening is in fact an Awakening or better saying an Activation from being unconscious of our spirit to a sudden turned on Switch and a sudden realization of consciousness about Spirit! The force that is streaming through your vessels, the force that tickles your arms, your head, your heart chakra is you spirit re-birthing itself within the body and the Ego and the body feel it, become conscious of it. There is no secret about it, all that is was always there, YOU were just not conscious about it… yet! Once Activated you will feel the subtle flows of spirit within.

Experience after realization:

After this realization that I had today I asked the spirit within myself to come into my life more often and to send me direct messages, be the leading flame that guides me and is omnipresent. Since then I feel the strong energies of spirit within my body once again activated, buzzing in my heart center, surrounding my head with a strong buzzing sensation. As well as a buzzing sensation at the back of my neck. Now that I recognized that spirit was always within me I feel times will change for the better! Now it’s just a matter of learning to listen and take the guidance.

Dream: Doctor & Ascension/Awakening

Last night actually shortly before waking up this morning I had the most vivid dream in a long time. it was a whole story that folded up in front of me. I can not explain the whole dream in it’s complexity but here the short version:


in the dream I was waking up and going through all the Ascension related symptoms. But someone send me to a doctor. A man with dark brown, curly hair, brown eyes and glasses. In the first Moment this guy wanted my best and I felt like I could trust him fully so I told him about my experiences and the symptoms that I experienced over the last couple of months. He was certain I was seriously sick and suggested me to take some injection that would help lessen the symptoms. I immediately knew in the dream, that this doctor wanted to stop the Awakening process and that the injection was not for my best, but to stop the progress I have made.

I got angry at him and tried to flee from this doctor. I screamed at him and what I very vividly remember was I said:

“You cannot cure something that is not a disease! How can I be sick? What disease shoots a lightning bolt up my spine and into the brain?”

The doctor was not convinced and tried to hold me down, but I escaped him and shouted to him:

I AM not sick, I am AWAKENING!

That was kind of the end of the dream and when I woke up this morning I found myself in the weird position of having both arms folded underneath my head, like you would by lying on a towel at the beach. No idea why I was lying in this position as I do not remember falling asleep like that.


What I feel that this dream communicates is an explanation of fears, combined with knowledge and the inability from my husband to understand what I am going through and what I try to tell him in stair steps. Like today for example he looks at me and said:

I have no idea what is going on with me, i am tired all the time, I feel drowsy and it almost feels like even sleep does not help. But every doctor says they do not find anything

I told him that it is possibly nothing physical, which he agreed on. but when I told him about the solar eclipse and the last Blood Moon that is now also occurring in this month he laughed at me again and just said:

Ah nonsense… I am not effected by these things, nothing can effect me like that…

I stopped right there because everything shows me that this statement is not true at all… But I did not want another fight on the day of my birthday party…So I left him continue in his believe that the current extreme energies hitting our planet do not effect him…

However the dream could also carry a message for me to the question “what is it that I experience?” I answered that message while I was shouting I am Awakening.

Is it my fault?

Sometimes there are moments when I think everything that happens to me is my own fault. Every physical attack from the past in my childhood, every failed relationship, every fight with people I love… Sometimes I just do not know what or who is causing these banalities such as arguments and attacks…

Today my husband took me out to a restaurant that we went to from the very beginning when it was created and new. now after a few months into the business the clientele changed and all the valley people come and the food changed tremendously since then. However as soon as we sat down 3 foreign guys came and sat beside our table, they were extremely loud and laughing about banal things. I had no problem with it whatsoever. But my husband made his mad face, whenever he does it he bites his lower lip like a maniac and his whole appearance changes to a dark person. He suddenly said “Oh stupid people… I really don’t belong here… My environment is so wrong for me. There is no happiness in this place…” I suddenly had the urge to tell him what I believed was needed for him to hear, I said:

People believe it is outside sources that causes them happiness, but it is not, it comes from the inside and your true self!

This sentence alone made him angry again and this time he used emotional triggers to attack me, he told me how insane I sound and he pulled out many things that in the past made me upset and triggered me to get upset and angry at him. I stayed calm even while he told me that I do not care and that having my French Toast at this place is more important then his suffering… He played with his triggers to pull me with him in this demise. The he used the trigger “Who do you think you are? How dare you talk to me like that. You wanted to get our of your hometown in Germany and you talk to me about happiness comes from the inside and not from a place?” I told him to that:

I was not awake when I was in Germany, I woke up when I came here.” He said then “Oh does that mean I am asleep? you can thank me then, because I am the one who brought you here.” But I countered and told him that it was my calling to come to America since I was a child. Well… end of the story was him being mad and thinking I am insane talking to him about these “spiritual” things…

I really don’t know how to handle that situation. My spirit tries to help with wise words about his concerns and all he does is slamming me for it. But if I stay quiet and do not say anything he gets upset because I do not say anything. So what to do?

The Last Post…

The title says it all… I am hit with a complete destruction from all sides… Not only from my husband, my family but no also the things that I love are being attacked… Or whatever that may mean… Today is the worst day since a very long time. The last time I felt like this was when I was a child… complete denial and complete failure on my part creeping in and destroying me…

It’s the second day in a row of deep sadness and crying outbursts… I decided to give my pet bird away. I found a couple with a cute little girl. They have two budgies and 2 doves as pets and they would love to take my budgie. The only thing is I would never see him again in person. They are preparing to move back to Atlanta, so as soon my budgie is gone I won’t see him anymore. I look at him in sadness and he comes out to the cage door, looks at me and lowers his head so I can place my forehead on the back of his head. I think he feels what is going on and I see that he tries to make me feel better.

I know as soon he is gone it will be quiet here… My husband will continue to work all day and i will continue to sit here and do promotion for him… no more cute little voice telling me “I want to be a platypus”

There are so many things all coming in waves all at once, I cannot handle this deep grief that is hitting me 😦 I am literally on the floor.

this blog post will be my last one for a long time, I may never write again… I don’t know yet, it depends of what life has planned for me a long the way. So far it’s nothing good about it… It’s just one big streak of dilemma after dilemma… i cannot even go back to Germany anymore because I found out about the traitor behavior of my mother’s husband… He does not talk good about me and behind my back he always says weird things even when friends are sitting with them…

I want to see the happiness that I envisioned for myself since childhood, I want to see all my positive energies that I had manifested. But so far nothing but bad things came out of it and I feel powerless up to the point of total failure… even my relationships seem to repeat over and over with men who know better than me and argue with me when I try to say or advice something. It’s like I am a stupid little girl who does not know better and needs a man who knows everything… just this time I married him, instead of breaking away as I always did as soon I smelled this problem arising.

You can tell this is not my day, it has not been in a long time…