Is it my fault?

Sometimes there are moments when I think everything that happens to me is my own fault. Every physical attack from the past in my childhood, every failed relationship, every fight with people I love… Sometimes I just do not know what or who is causing these banalities such as arguments and attacks…

Today my husband took me out to a restaurant that we went to from the very beginning when it was created and new. now after a few months into the business the clientele changed and all the valley people come and the food changed tremendously since then. However as soon as we sat down 3 foreign guys came and sat beside our table, they were extremely loud and laughing about banal things. I had no problem with it whatsoever. But my husband made his mad face, whenever he does it he bites his lower lip like a maniac and his whole appearance changes to a dark person. He suddenly said “Oh stupid people… I really don’t belong here… My environment is so wrong for me. There is no happiness in this place…” I suddenly had the urge to tell him what I believed was needed for him to hear, I said:

People believe it is outside sources that causes them happiness, but it is not, it comes from the inside and your true self!

This sentence alone made him angry again and this time he used emotional triggers to attack me, he told me how insane I sound and he pulled out many things that in the past made me upset and triggered me to get upset and angry at him. I stayed calm even while he told me that I do not care and that having my French Toast at this place is more important then his suffering… He played with his triggers to pull me with him in this demise. The he used the trigger “Who do you think you are? How dare you talk to me like that. You wanted to get our of your hometown in Germany and you talk to me about happiness comes from the inside and not from a place?” I told him to that:

I was not awake when I was in Germany, I woke up when I came here.” He said then “Oh does that mean I am asleep? you can thank me then, because I am the one who brought you here.” But I countered and told him that it was my calling to come to America since I was a child. Well… end of the story was him being mad and thinking I am insane talking to him about these “spiritual” things…

I really don’t know how to handle that situation. My spirit tries to help with wise words about his concerns and all he does is slamming me for it. But if I stay quiet and do not say anything he gets upset because I do not say anything. So what to do?

Dream: Mowing the Lawn & another stupid argument

Today was Yom Kippur, so I needed to write my dream down to not forget it later on and I saved it for now. Last night I had a lot of dreams, however I tried to Astral Project and did everything possible to not fall asleep easily, so I placed two big pillows underneath my head so I would not be lying so comfortably but this did not prevent me from falling asleep. It was so weird, it was almost as if the position change from a lying position to close to sitting position made it easier to sleep, instead of more difficult… Oh well…


However I had so many dreams that I do not remember all of them, except one! Which was so out of the context that it stuck in my mind after waking up. I saw myself mowing the lawn. it was fresh green grass, I saw my mother and her husband, and somehow I had such fun to use the electric lawn mower and I remember going over all the edges and clearing the too high grown grass… Now I have no idea what that means, but the fact that I was not lazy about it or even in disagreement shows me it cannot be a negative dream.


On the way back to the temple for Yom Kippur my husband told me about this muscle relaxant that his neck doctor prescribed to him and he explained what it does, he talked about the Melatonin and the phase when people fall asleep. He then said “Well it’s not like people would know when they fall asleep and what actually happens then.” But I disagreed with this statement because I experienced this phase many times without falling asleep. So I told him “Well not completely true, I for example know what happens when we fall asleep. I have this ability to let my body fall asleep, while I stay aware.” We somehow came to the topic of how people can exteriorize with eyes open and I told him “Well people do it all the time with eyes closed and then the eyes are opened while out of body.” He disagreed and said “What eyes? There is no physical eyes when you are out… You see so many misconceptions are out there… there was once this cult who was called The Third eye.” I stopped him right there and argued “Cult back and forth, the third eye is real and I experienced it, I can feel it and I can see through it.” He suddenly got mad and said “Show me theĀ  third eye, where is it???!” I told him that it is not physical that it is an ability that is unlocked and then one is able to see through it. But he disagreed and told me that people who say there is a third eye or anything like that, something physical that we use to see, are not spiritual at all. He does not believe in chakras and therefore thinks everything is just there, he calls it perceptions but totally forgets where these perceptions come from… There is no way arguing with him, because he is always right with what he believes. So I told him “You need to stop telling people that their experiences are wrong, when they use another language to describe experiences.

Then we arrived at the temple and I could breathe, concentrating on the wonderful prayers and songs of the Rabbi. It was out of this world.

I really have no idea why his views and believes are so closed minded there is NOT only one way to archive things. I do not need levels, outside services in order to find my true self… everybody who believes that is truly on the wrong path… The truth of source is inside of each one of us, not to find in outdated services and practices, that were designed a long time ago, not knowing that everything changed since then.