Well I did not expect it to be like that honestly… I was feeling from my heart that the new year would be amazing and full of surprises. But I did not in 1000 years envision that the New Year would start out with a huge bang… Yesterday a friend of mine (Karin) told me about breaking things and not knowing what one is really doing, like a baby fresh in the world. And then in the evening I had my own share of breaking. In a literal sense actually…
My husband decided to take a nap in the early evening and slept actually until 6 PM or so. I felt and knew that he was kind of down again. A lot of it actually always comes when there is a huge M Class Flare, which happened yesterday according to my friend (Dayna) who thankfully always posts the newest activities. So as the evening got older and older I heard my husband wake up and opening his laptop. I thought I will go to him and greet him with compassion. So I wanted to get inside the bed and said to him “Did you have a good rest?” Without any evil or bad intentions. But he then shut off his laptop again and did not look at me and said “Are you blind?“.
I asked “why?“. And he started again with his depressed talk and said “I don’t know, I think I am too much for you! You just don’t know me at all…” I don’t want to write the whole fight here, but the end result was a huge argument about understanding and duplication. And of course he used triggers again that were from the past. Which I thought we already let behind us… Also we had an argument about what EGO is.
My husband said again as if he knew everything better “Do you actually know what ego is? Many people just use it because someone invented it a long time ago… I studied everything about it” (He said the same about Kundalini BTW.) “Sigmund Freud invented it, I read all about it.” Then I interrupted him “Do you actually know him? Did you meet with him?” He shook his head and I continued “Then how can you say these things? Sigmund Freud was one of the people who had a Spiritual Awakenings otherwise he would have never come up with it in first place.” Anyway it continued like crazy and he actually said “Maybe you should leave me, maybe you would be more happy with someone who is never depressed and all floating over clouds… However these people are usually not very aware…” I just had enough of this and threw a few things at him that he needed to swallow on…
To not make this whole thing too long I would like to write about a dream I had in the night after the fight. It was another one of these very realistic dreams and I actually had the feeling I was really there. Everything felt so clear and real.
DREAM: Joe, Car ride, Accident, Fall, Surviving
The dream started out in a bar kind of setting. I was standing at the bar and Joe or someone who looked exactly like him stood right beside me. I approached him and talked to him a while. He told me that he would be going for 4 weeks to visit his daughter. I asked him, if he was married. Somehow I never got an answer to that question though.
As the dream shifted and we both were riding in a car along a mountain road. I was sitting on the passenger seat and he was driving. My seat was very close to the front and I always needed to look back when I wanted to look at him. He smiled and said I should move it back a little bit. So I did and was then on the same level as him seat wise. In the dream I looked a few times in his direction and then came the moment. I suddenly see the road in front of us and I see how the car loses control and jumps over a mountain cliff.
Suddenly another shift in the dream and we were falling like we actually jumped with the whole car out of a plane or something else. I saw the whole landscape underneath us through the windshield and I was terrified by this fast approach towards earth. Something suddenly snapped. I think I took control of the dream here. Before we reached the ground and would have been smashed to pieces I decided in perfect timing to open the passenger door and jump out with a roll down the hill. As the car behind me crashed and probably killed the man (Joe or not, I have no idea who he was).
After that the dream shifted and I do not remember what happened in this part, but I think I tried to explain to people what happened and that he won’t come back.
It was a very dramatic dream and the fall actually did something, as I am pretty sure without control of the scene the car would have killed both of us.