Emotional Outburst…

Last evening I was studying some more for my Recorder Instrument as my husband who prepared to leave for a short travel until Wednesday asked me if I remembered to call a friend who invited us for Thanksgiving to ask what we could bring. The only thing that came out of my mouth as I suddenly remembered was “Oh shit…” And this alone was reason enough for my husband to make me small again… He was mad that I always forget things, that I do not do anything on my own, that everything is on him, and that I do not participate in life… Oh well… He accused me of not participating in this group unit… I was so fed up by all his accuses that I actually wanted to scream at him

(Look into the mirror, do you participate in this unit, or are you only fucking interested in money and work?)

Thanks god I did not say it, instead I decided to swallow it down… I am used to all these accuses, on top of that he dropped the EX bomb again… “As crazy as that other woman was, she always jumped right away to create events for me… You just sit here and do your own thing all day long…” Again I felt like screaming back at him

(Oh really? All day long I do MY shit??? All day long I am busy cleaning your shit away, putting your clothes back in the closet, because you spread them everywhere in the house, everyday I am busy closing doors behind you, because if I would not all the closets, drawers would ALWAYS stay open… All day long I need to do shit for you! Where the fuck do I have time to do stuff for myself?!)

But again I did not say it, I only thought it…

As I went to bed I felt that this night will be the longest night ever, I felt I could not fall asleep. I was wide awake… So I decided to meditate. I held my thumbs and pointer fingers together and closed my eyes. Right away I felt strong buzzing in the palm of my hands and also in my lower back. So I decided to go through my chakras and feel the different sensations. As I reached my heart chakra I was asking my guides for a healing and opening of my heart chakra. But nothing happened.

After  a while of lying on my back, I realized that nothing at all was happening. No hypnogogic imagery, no sounds, no lights behind closed eyes… Nothing… Again I felt literally sucked empty. A very odd feeling of being exhausted energetically… Again I asked for healing in my sleep.

Then I turned around on my right side and tried to sleep, but I could not fall asleep. But suddenly something happened, I started seeing scenes of my past that had to do with my second Ex boyfriend. He was at that time 38 years old. I met him in a working place in Germany and as planned the boss placed me on shifts with this man (Ralf) every day, I had to drive with him. It was clear very quickly that we fell in love with each other. He was like me. At that time he loved to play computer games, was funny and exciting! In these images I saw all the good times that we had, how he came with his car to pick me up for a Christmas dinner and was dressed full in a suit. He opened the doors for me and was caring for me… I started to weep and suddenly had a realization that I could not see at that time. He probbaly was the person I was always looking for. But I just did not see it and broke up with him. Because of different reasons. His ex wife was still on his lines and they had a daughter together who visited him all the time and the ex influenced the kid to talk bad about me and he was always stressed because of her… I just could not take this kind of situation at the time… But remembering it now makes me feel like a fool… I started sobbing and wanted to cry, but no tears would come out and if then only very pressured. My head felt like it would explode, while my eyes were fighting to get at least one tear out…

He was the complete opposite of my husband. Caring, loving, funny, a true gentleman… While my husband had all these traits in the beginning he just dropped them after some time… Now I need to wait for him to open the passenger door of the car, after he already got in. Instead of pressing the key button twice to open both doors at the same time… Ironically enough every time we are with other men, he does all this, opening the door for me etc. Which shows me that he is wearing masks especially when in public.

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