Next Dark Night of the Soul just about to happen…

Yes what can I say… this is probably the most devastating post I’ve ever written since a long time… Those who followed my recent blog posts and especially the one from earlier today probably know what I am running through right now, with so much “shit” going on around me all the time…

But I have a very bad feeling that this was just a set up for yet another Dark Night of the Soul, which would be the third one for me in this life. Well Since I am here in L.A. But I had probably many DNotS before L.A. as well… Maybe some description of my life in short form

As a young child in Kindergarten I got to know a few kids who were just terrible and always picking on me… It nearly got to an obsession to always choose me for bad things. There was this one guy who constantly tried to hurt me… I mean we were tiny children!!! Once he pushed me down from a climber in Kindergarten that nearly broke my left thumb. It hurt days ongoing but thanks god was not broken… Then another boy pushed me against a drawing stand and I hit my head above the right eyebrow and it needed to be glued, because it was bleeding…

But the guy from the climber followed me somehow through mysterious set ups to all different classes and schools and so I had to live with him in my childhood since the end of school. In second grade school he pushed me through the classroom and I hit my forehead on a shelf, left side of my head around the temple… again it was bleeding and needed to be glued… A few days later we had sport in school and I was standing through again mysterious reasons in the way of someone shooting a football with full power. the ball hit the side of my head where it got glued before. The power of the shot was so strong that my head flew with the ball and all I remember was that the hit kicked me to the floor…

Another time I was standing mysteriously in the way of someone throwing a stick across the schoolyard and it hit me right in the left eye…

mysteriously enough nothing ever harmed me. Not even the stick in eye. It hurt for sure and was red, but nothing broke or got seriously damaged…

But my childhood had much more misery than that… My father was an alcoholic and my mother got angry pretty fast and always locked me up in my room if I did not “obey” I was different and she had no clue how to handle me, so she threatened one day to bring me to a place for disobeying children to learn some manors.

There were times in my childhood, in my frickin childhood where I was crying to god to just kill me already, why so much suffering? For what reason? Why not just end it with one accident… But nothing ever happened. The wish got not granted… I fell off a 2 feet wall and hit my forehead on the ground. Not my fault I just slipped off the wall… I got kicked seriously strong in the stomach by another weird guy… I got threatened in a forest by a guy who had a knife and yet somehow I survived ALL of that!

And NOW it is my husband… I though with the move to L.A. away from that curse of childhood country called Germany, everything would change to the better. And again I am seriously wrong with that. I give my heart and my soul for a man who can be so unpredictable. Once he is totally sweet and tells me that I am the best thing that ever happened to him. And then something triggers him like the sudden cancer diagnosis of his friend and he becomes this darker version of himself and this version seems to hate me and tries to get rid of me… With all might. I went through 2 dark nights that he is responsible for. and in both cases as well as this time, he starts a weird question like “I am really lonely in our relationship” or “you have no interest in my past etc. whatsoever”.

This time it started because I tried to help him and his friend and I told him about the possible approach with alkaline water and diet… But he does not accept anything verbal that does NOT come from professionals… If it is medical advice, help in spirituality he seems to have no respect for my knowledge through experience… whatsoever… Instead he confronted me today in a restaurant and asked me “are you worried about me?!” I said “yes of course I am worried about you” and he asked “and what do you do instead of only being worried.” I told him that I am there in emotion and support him where I can, as I have a strong connection to his emotions. Then he started to attack me “what emotional connection, you only talk about your connection, your experience etc. I tell you I am lonely and have nobody left to speak to.” At that point I fought back I had enough of this shit… and I threw at him “well maybe you start stopping to alienate your friends that you still have left and stop judging them all the time behind their backs” and he got angry and said “well you seem to love to give advice’s, in spirituality, in friendships, in medical stuff…”

I told him then to stop, that this is NOT him, whenever this person is coming through I do not feel a deep connection to him it’s so weird… then on the way home he stayed silent and asked me after a few miles of driving “what would you do, when the old (name) would not come back?” But I did not answer, because it’s really a silly question that nobody should ask… I left my mouth closed…

And now I am sitting here, writing this long post to release my sadness and disappointment. It almost seems like life wants to see me suffering, it wants to see me on the floor and it wants to keep me in a state of self denial… I am close to the point to ask again, WHY does nobody release the pain for me, just end it already… I know this is harsh and that better times may come again, but currently I am just fed up with everything and I don’t see a sense. If there is any life form out there, please pick me up and get me away from this place called “earth”… This is ridicules and way too much for one person to handle…

And the most terrifying thing is I cannot even cry to release the pain. It’s like someone holds its fingers in my eyes so tears come up but then sucks them in again and nothing comes out… 😦 It just hurts a lot not being able to release a tear…

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3 thoughts on “Next Dark Night of the Soul just about to happen…

  1. Vibrant says:

    Hang in there 🙂

    Soon you would get into a phase where everything would fall into place.

    based on my own experience–I would suggest focussing bit less on yourself/suffering/meditation and trying to help people around you. Love someone, a pet, a friend or anyone and it would heal you rapidly.

    You need to help others to get deeper into the meditation and if you try doing this you would soon find relieved of suffering and pain.

    Kundalini also wants you to connect with all life, not just internally but externally as well ( Since karmic body is in existence and would stay in existence for quite some time, there is a need to earn more merits.)

    Please try to serve poor, old and needy people in whatever little way possible and don’t expect anything in return. If nothing, just listen to them attentively. This would rapidly heal you 🙂

    Sincerely,

    Anand 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • talynia says:

      Thank you for your lovely words. You know that is what I do all my life. Regardless of all the suffering I always helped others before myself. I helped a lot of people in school, when they were stuck at something and didn’t know it. But then talked bad behind my back. I try to help as many people as possible. I also try to help my husband to live a life of more love and light… But he just does not recognize it… 😦 It’s easier said that helping others can heal you. But for all good I do I get back so much more suffering… That’s what I don’t understand. What kind of human being was I in other lives that I am suffering so much in this one… ?

      Liked by 1 person

      • Vibrant says:

        Don’t get disheartened. We all have such moments of test and lean-patches. They are temporary.

        Also: I did not mean to say you have not helped others. Unless you had you would not have awakened.

        Now since you are awakened you are actually absorbing negative energy from others and transmuting it into positive. This is why you are suffering. If you think it’s personal Karma, it’s not.

        My suggestion to help others is my immediate response to your predicament at this moment. It’s not to suggest you are not a helping person already.

        Please try to connect with others. Hear them out. Just try little acts of kindness which you thought were obsolete. Don’t think about profound issues like Karma and so on. Just for a while and I assure you would get a great clarity.

        Anand

        Liked by 1 person

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